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Ask me about my attention deficit disorder. Or pie. Or a dog. Do you like books? i threw a rock. Hi!

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Why are all the pictures on here now, like cut in half – with video on the top?

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Why can’t anyone give me any solid answers to my question of-when, in potty training, do you give the kid a cellphone?

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June 6, 1944. D-day.

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“Objection! That’s “allegedly” killed the cat, your honor” -Curiosity’s lawyer

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When we built this city on rock and roll, it probably wasn’t the best idea – from an engineering perspective.

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It’s strange to me, when someone says they don’t like opera. Elmer Fudd’s “Kill Da Wabbit” is an all-time favorite.

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i just poured superglue into my nonstick pan… SOMEONE’S GONNA BE WRONG

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“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” ~Mark Twain *Didn’t he lie about his name though?

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The scissor 🧙‍♂️ wizard, one Willis Grizzerd-had fame spread far and near. He made his magic, (as luck would have it) with just a pair of shears.

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Whoa 😮 you guys… i’m in serious trouble… there are 4 allegations pressed on my name, a robot voice just told me this on my answering machine

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When i was a little child my mom said i could be anyone i wanted to be… Now they tell me it’s “identity theft”?!?!?!

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Never joke about kleptomaniacs. They always take things… literally.

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SHUAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

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My son told me this… “Ya heard how Harry Potter gets down hills?”

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Reese’s cups are great how they put 2 in a pack. This way you can eat 1 now, & the other 1 immediately afterward.

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Small child holding dead video game controller: “Fix it! I wanna play fork knife!” (to the layperson, aforementioned game is “Fortnite”) Me: “No. Children should never play with knives.”

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Prolly the best part in american footballn is when they get together & tell secrets before they play. So, yeah sports!

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If you ever buy those generic cereals in a bag, you’ll find the tops have close feature, like a ziploc bag. HOW IS THE GENERIC BETTER THAN THE REAL CEREAL HOLY CROW

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If you’re ever half asleep in a meeting & not even paying attention, you can always chime in & say “It’s just about finding that balance.” Everyone agrees.

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Wow we have been fakebook friends for 10 years? Guess we had a good run. BLOCK! Obsolete! Delete! Not really, but it makes a good story. Hope alls well & Paul’s well!

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So my mom finally got a brand new smartphone after like, 6 years or so. She was with the technicians in the phone store, she’s gone to the cell phone company, she’s had apple tech support call her… no one can help!

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(Hearing that Pink Floyd tune) Lyrics: “We don’t need no education…” Me: “First of all, that’s a double negative. Sounds like you had better be hitting the books there, Floyd.”

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