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So here’s a true story. Several years back, i was living in an apartment with a roommate, just working and trying to go to college. So one night, (before i knew my wonderful lady love of the present day-obviously) i was just about to propose to my girlfriend at the time. My roommate drunkenly barged into the room from out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking the glass table with his face. Well, it totally ruined the mood. Now i didn’t know Joseph THAT well, don’t even remember where he was from, but let’s say i put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had a shard of glass in his eye, he was nearly blinded in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads bandaged on his eye for a couple months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend. Apparently they’d bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without so much as a note. i tried to track them down, but never could. Maybe he did me a favor. What i’m trying to say about all this is if it hadn’t been for cotton eye Joe, i’d have been married a long time ago, where did you come from where did you go? Where did you come from cotton eye Joe?

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i got fired from the calendar factory. All i did was take a day off…

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My pal Jackson Wimburn took the win at Conflict 48 at the Bell Auditorium! WOW!

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firefly is the opposite of waterfall

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i wanna install a panic room at my house. Not to hide from thieves, but to shove all my clutter in whenever someone’s coming over.

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Are there any good songs about life being a highway? And riding it all night long?

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i bet if i gave money to those guys ringing bells out in front of the store, they’ll just waste it, they waste the money on more bells

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The first rule of procrastination club is… to be covered in the next meeting.

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Telling bad turkey jokes, & i won’t stop!So that’s our Thanksgiving at iHop!

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If you put a feather in your hat, why on earth would you name it macaroni?

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What happened to the #1 pencil?

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Did they purposely make dyslexia hard to spell?

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Warm bodies i sense, are not machines that can only make money

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Do you remember back in the day before they called it a “selfie”,& it was called “no one else wants to take your picture” – ?

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Aw man… sad to hear Stan Lee is gone. Excelsior!

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Anyone here in fake book land ever had the experience of a car tire jack opening up to full height & then becoming stuck that way, never to collapse again?

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Never expected something from YouTube to spawn a tv show… Sandra Lee-aka Dr. Pimple popper. Ew.

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Q: Why does the Mummy never take a vacation? A: He doesn’t want to unwind.

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Q: Why did Dracula drink cold medicine? A: Coffin

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Q: How do you fix a broken pumpkin? A: Pumpkin patch!

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i have decided “who is this clown?” is the most horrible thing you can say to anyone. Not only because it implies they are a clown, but an unknown clown.

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Feels like fall finally fell! High of 70? i’ll take it!

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