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Ugh! i can’t stand waiting in lines! i mean, just pick a suspect already!

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If you ever need to determine the sex of an ant, throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. So if it floats, it’s boyant.

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If you ever need to determine the sex of an ant, throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. So if it floats, it’s boyant.

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Did Madonna really *need a new fake butt?

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Speaking of time travel, we’re now even closer to the return of big ben, ringing back to normal in 2021. It’s actually a new clock tower, as the original was destroyed by fire in October of 1834. When the orignal clock tower burned, there was some second hand smoke.

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The government won’t let us have time travel because we could sleep til noon & then still go to work on time

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We’ve already done a little celebrating, but today is the real day. Happy birthday Bre Merritt! i surely hope you have a great one! i love you! 😍🎉🍦🎂🎈🎈🎈💚💙💜

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Anybody seen the images from the dark side of the moon yet?

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Maybe i shouldn’t have picked the sugar puffs.

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My doctor prescribed me a nasal steroid. Now everything has a strong smell.

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My doctor prescribed me a nasal steroid. Now everything has a strong smell.

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A handshake means something different to cannibals.

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While perusing the jukebox at Waffle House, i can’t help but wonder why do we never hear “the waffle doo wop” on regular radio?

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We’re heading up to the lake to ring in the new year! Come out for food, friends, & fireworks, won’t you?

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Bre has gently reminded me friends, we wanna storm nacho mamas for her birthday

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Sending out my best to you, of love, joy & cheer, merry Christmas & happy new year!

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Looking for some clerical work? Lemme know!

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So here’s a true story. Several years back, i was living in an apartment with a roommate, just working and trying to go to college. So one night, (before i knew my wonderful lady love of the present day-obviously) i was just about to propose to my girlfriend at the time. My roommate drunkenly barged into the room from out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking the glass table with his face. Well, it totally ruined the mood. Now i didn’t know Joseph THAT well, don’t even remember where he was from, but let’s say i put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had a shard of glass in his eye, he was nearly blinded in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads bandaged on his eye for a couple months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend. Apparently they’d bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without so much as a note. i tried to track them down, but never could. Maybe he did me a favor. What i’m trying to say about all this is if it hadn’t been for cotton eye Joe, i’d have been married a long time ago, where did you come from where did you go? Where did you come from cotton eye Joe?

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i got fired from the calendar factory. All i did was take a day off…

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My pal Jackson Wimburn took the win at Conflict 48 at the Bell Auditorium! WOW!

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firefly is the opposite of waterfall

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i wanna install a panic room at my house. Not to hide from thieves, but to shove all my clutter in whenever someone’s coming over.

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