February 04, 2017 at 01:08PM
What nobody tells you about any major disease is how it wears away on you psychologically. We are all prisoners to the mechanics of our own bodies. We’d like to think we are in control of our own lives but then this thing comes along and sweeps you up in its ebb and flow of its own direction. This thing… it has no regard for your plans, hopes, dreams, aspirations… any of that. It doesn’t care if you have enough money to deal with it or your life or those around you who depend upon you. But it is a part of you all the same. So often, people with great intentions will posit some miracle cure they just know will help you. Just do this thing and it will all be gone. It seems tempting, but this very, very rarely works and often, it shifts the blame onto you. If you’d only taken this step, you wouldn’t be suffering right now. And that belies the whole problem. Most of the time, if you are following the advice of your doctor… you know, the person who graduated medical school and spent years studying the very thing you are now grappling with, then you really are doing whatever you have within your control. But this monster that is you rages on. It’s humbling. It hangs in your thoughts. Because the idea that you could do just one thing and make it all stop constantly fires in the background. It is in these most dire moments, I feel like a slave to myself, and I resent this feeling deeply.